21 Dec Is He Worth The Bottle?
In November 2019, before thoughts of the pandemic were even in our consciousness, my therapist suggested I take a break from dating and having sex. She thought this would help me grow and find out what I truly want as I was vacillating between having casual sex and wanting a relationship at the time (which was just mere months after my divorce, by the way). I was aghast and indignant, feeling betrayed, as if she had no idea who I was after months of seeing each other on a regular basis.
Sex is an intrinsic part of who I am and how I express myself. I love sex. I know I am pretty good at it, and I can make it pleasurable and gratifying regardless of who I do it with. So when she suggested this wacky experiment, I was vehemently against it and I (for a microsecond) seriously doubted her credentials as a mental health professional.
But I also realized that something was missing. I have never really FULLY emotionally connected with someone that I had sex with, even with my ex-husband of almost 20 years. It was always physiologically good and I lose myself in the moment but perhaps there was more? When other women talk about the difference between sex and being in love with someone you have sex with, I kind of draw a blank with relating to how that really feels.
And I know that it was because I was emotionally unavailable at that time. I didn’t know how to feel and process my emotions. I had a difficult time being vulnerable. I didn’t want to be seen in that way by a romantic partner. I had no qualms about being physically naked with someone but I had major apprehension with being emotionally bare and being truly seen by another person, especially someone I was sleeping with.
I had no idea how to begin to be emotionally intimate with myself, much less do that with someone.
So, I stopped dating in March of 2020 and started a relationship with celibacy. It was really easy in the beginning with the quarantine. Then as things started to open up and I started meeting men organically (I did not want to actively date and use an app or anything like that), I realized that I may need extra help.
I joined the St. Supery Wine Club when I celebrated my birthday in Northern California and got the $240 bottle of the 2015 RU3 blend of cabernet sauvignon, merlot, and petit verdot. I decided that this will be my SEX BOTTLE. I will open this with the guy who I have a beautiful connection with. This dude would be the one that I not only want to have sex with but I would also want to open this expensive bottle of wine with.
This made it easier to be celibate. And let me tell you, not dating and not having sex has been so healing for me. I feel like I grew exponentially after that, and I am still growing.
I realized how much time and energy I automatically spend with someone I am pursuing a romantic relationship with. I give a lot of myself to something or someone I feel passionate about, and if it involves another person, I end up prioritizing the other person with no time or energy for me.
I was putting myself last, when I really needed to put myself first so I could be there for another person.
I also WANTED SO MUCH MORE.
I want a passionate, romantic, intimate relationship with a gentleman who will make me laugh, hold me when I cry, wake me up with kisses, explore the world with me, talk about everything and anything till the wee hours of the morning, and make love to me in a way I have never felt before.
So in the meantime, I am enjoying DATING MYSELF, getting to know what I want, putting myself first, and being more discerning with who gets to be in my life. And let me tell you, this is the best that I have ever felt. I realized that I hold the key to my happiness and I have the power over my body, my mind, and my heart.
So I challenge you, dear reader, if you are in a similar situation, to have your own version of the sex bottle. Here are a few examples:
An EXPENSIVE PAIR OF SHOES you will wear on the night that you decide to do the deed
A BUCKET LIST RESTAURANT for that date night
A box of YUMMY CHOCOLATES you will share together
A BEAUTIFULLY-SCENTED CANDLE that you will light that night
Whatever it is, it will serve as that final qualifier to help you stick to your celibacy and really get to know yourself first before another person gets to know your body.
AND ASK YOURSELF THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
If you are dating
…and you have kids, is this person worth introducing to your kids?
(this also applies to friends/parents/family)
…and you have a dog/cat, would you allow this person to watch your dog/cat?
…does this person trigger anxiety or insecurity?
(Not a good sign, but probably also a sign that you have some inner work to do and prob not ready to date)
…does this person respect your celibacy and what it means to you?
If you want to have sex with this person
…would you let this person go into your home unsupervised?
Then why let them have that with your body?
Did this person pay the requisite price of admission to your body and to your life? (and I don’t mean this in a monetary way, but I guess, whatever works for you)
If you are like me, and just now thinking about being open to dating, ask yourself the following questions:
Is this person worth my time and energy?
Would you rather go on a date with this person or stay at home and read?
Because your time, your presence, your body is worth more.
And the person who you will be with will SHAPE THE FUTURE YOU and impact how you will be in the future.
YOU GOT THIS. GOOD LUCK!
(And if you falter, it’s ok. You are human. Just get back up on that wagon.)
Lots of love,
Paula