For all my life, I have prided myself in being very positive, optimistic, and full of joy. I always have a smile and a hug for everyone and I love to have fun and laugh. I never showed any weakness or asked for help when I needed it because I thought that was what being strong was all about.
I also never really learned how to feel and process my emotions or learn to be vulnerable. No matter how I was feeling inside, I kept a bright, smiling facade that I always showed the world. I kept myself so busy, jam-packing my schedule with work, meetings, projects, events, dinners, nights out, parties, and dates. I surrounded myself with people and had no time to really listen to myself and know how I truly feel.
During the past year, because of the drastic changes that have occurred in my life, I decided to start seriously working on myself: finding out what I want on my own, what gives me joy, what I want to cut out of my life, what I like, how to be vulnerable, how I want my life to unfold, where I see myself in the future, and the impact that I want to leave on the world.
Then COVID hit.
You're gonna notice that I took an uber protracted hiatus from writing. I have to be completely transparent with you, dear reader, but I went through a drastic change in my marital status last year. It was a complete upheaval and I was truly unable to write (nor did I have the motivation to write). Not only did I have to say goodbye to someone I loved, but I had to say goodbye to who I thought I was as a person.
Put it this way, when I got married at 21, that marriage was so intrinsically attached to my identity that I really felt quite lost there for quite awhile. I didn't know what I wanted, who I was, or who I wanted to be. About 90% of who I thought I was no longer existed and I had no idea who or how to be.